This is how I feel about mainstream politics, news and media.
‘Existence, well what does it matter? I exist on the best terms I can. The past is now part of my future, the present is well out of hand. I know I’m intruding on your life, not you on mine. I felt as if things were becoming a bit clearer earlier on, but can now see everything falling to pieces before my eyes. I’m paying dearly for past mistakes. I never realised how one mistake in my life some four or five years ago would make me feel how I do. I struggle between what I know is right in my own mind, and some warped truthfulness as seen through other people’s eyes, who have no heart, and can’t see the difference anyway. The struggle between man’s conscience and his heart until things go too far, get out of hand, and can never be repaired. Is everything so worthless in the end? Is there any more? What lies beyond? What is left to carry on? I felt I had to tell you this even though it might change your feelings for me. I’ve been thinking of you constantly, trying to rationalise our situation, thinking of the things we’ve done. Images and thoughts prey on my mind, before my eyes all times of the day and night. And while some things are beyond my understanding, I know that I love you and will do forever. Until I see you again, I miss you with all my heart.
It’s a lie to say
“I’m not afraid any more”.’
No 61 Ian Curtis Serenading with a Cat On His Shoulders. This goes out to Val. 9x12 acrylic on paper. From 2010
I still remember key moments in my life where I find myself captivated by serene beauty. In these moments, pivotal or not it is amazing what you find you remember about different situations, no matter how simple or irrelevant it might seem. There is a sense that at times beauty is lost in this world, but often times I find it in the simplest of things in the simplest of moments.
Whether it is being alone to your thoughts calmed by the rain as each drop falls to earth leaving fresh dew that invigorates the mind. Giving you clarity as it cleanses the world around you and just wires your brain. Taking a walk in the still of night where the perspective of what you are comes into full observation, when the world isn’t cluttered and all you have is still silence that clarifies where you stand in existence.
Laying there on the floor of her bedroom sharing whispers listening to Bon Iver tilting my head to look at her and admiring the depths of her eyes, admiring the aspects her female form and just finding satisfaction in the moment. The next moment skips in my mind to her yelling at me trying to figure out where things went wrong, but in that moment finding myself more fixated on the light coming threw the window. Lost in my own thoughts as everything else goes to hell around me.
Walking past a stranger, glancing at them as you both acknowledge each others existence in a mutual stare. Trying to figure out what it is about them that makes you fond of them, where that sudden connection came from. Moments where you wish you could stop to appreciate the moment, but everything flies by - but at the end of the day you know that you are quite frankly just living.
